By the time my son was born, I
was already armed with a host of academic degrees and employed as a faculty
member in an IIT. Taking break from work or quitting was never an option to me.
After all around three decades of effort had gone towards achieving all of
that. For me, it was time to implement all the sermons heard on time-management
but not heeded to heretofore! For the few initial months, when the only task
was to feed, change diapers, and wonder at how a baby grows, there was little
else really. Later novel problems did crop up almost every day. Our emphasis
was always on finding a “working solution”. Though we took care to ensure that
one parent was always around, neither me, nor my spouse, compromised on our
work or travel. A child adapts very easily to his or her surroundings. Today I
feel proud when my son is often judged as the most confident, caring and
independent boy among his peers.
Though time-management is an
essential component of successful parenting, more so for working parents, that
is only a small part. Parenting is an evolutionary process through which the
child and the parents swim together - learning, changing and growing
simultaneously. Very soon I started calling myself “the growing mother”. I was
surprised at how my own perspectives changed about so many things when looked
at either from the angle of my child, or as a mother.
By the time he was two, ignoring
all my feminist attempts at sensitizing him through unisex toys, my son became
a great fan of cars. Big and small, plastic and metallic, two to four wheelers, from the
Indian auto-rickshaw to the BMW, we had them all over the house. Before long,
the whole family became car enthusiasts. Even books had to be about cars. We
had to “recite” articles on brakes and gears as bed-time stories till one day
he agreed to switch over to Aladdin and the Magic Carpet or the Ramayana etc.
The switch was admittedly manipulated – through the route of aero planes to
carpets via chariots. The world of fantasy however posed new problems. One
day when I caught my son telling a lie, I demanded an explanation. He was
adamant that it was not a lie but a "story" - like the one I had
made up on Santa Claus coming in through the chimney on Christmas night! Of course that was a lie isn't it? We don't have a chimney! Enjoying
thoroughly the process of re-defining value systems, I also learnt to be more
careful in future.
As a mother, the first watershed
in my life was the time when we sought admission to a formal school. At the
time my son was going to a play-school and thoroughly enjoying it. The ordeal
started when he was barely three. It was time for him to face “interviews”! The
play school teachers felt highly concerned that he could not count correctly,
even though he had a very sharp memory! They were even more confounded when we
refused to take the problem seriously. Was it really important to know the
number names at three – I asked them. Apparently it is! We were forced to learn it the hard way from a reputed school in Delhi. As soon as we entered the principal’s office,
my son was asked to pick up three chocolates. He resolutely refused. On coaxing
he picked up one. The principal concluded that he was not worthy of admission
to their school since he could not count three. She also commented on how we
had failed to coach our son properly. On coming out from her office, the little one bragged as to how he had resisted the temptation of picking up chocolates – since the play school teachers had warned
all the students that they should be “well-behaved” and not pounce on the
chocolates when they went for an interview! But he was a little worried! Did it
go well? My heart wrenched as I looked at his face. Was the world really so
foolish as to believe that three-year olds should be judged in an interview? If
such a scenario had prevailed during our times, possibly both of us would have
remained uneducated! Thankfully, there are other good schools with saner people
holding the reins – so the ordeal was soon over.
Though a minor one, the incident
taught me a very important lesson. Should I have considered teaching number
names more seriously even if I believed that it is ridiculous to pressurize a
three-year old? More importantly would it have helped? The toughest part of
being a parent is to be able to take the right decision. The problem is
multi-dimensional. Every person is different. So rules cannot apply. As times
change, so do thought processes. Falling back to one’s own childhood does not
help. Unlike my other decisions, the consequences in this case may have to be
faced by my child. Will he be able to face it? Will he blame me? While the
first question stems from concern for the child, the second one is really about
me. So the resolution has to come from within myself. I can only act to the
best of my capability, according to my conviction, according to my knowledge.
Do I view myself as successful in life? I concluded that if I do, then, just as
in other walks of life I should stick to my own views and perceptions about my
child, and his capabilities.
With schooling starts a new phase
in a child’s life. The most important aspect of school is its role in creating
a social being out of the child. Before going to school, a child is accustomed
to undivided care and affection of the parents, more or less immune from the
larger, often uglier, aspects of social life. It is in school that the child
learns the values of caring and sharing with peers. It is in school that a
child is really exposed to competition and evaluation. I was worried about my
son, who is of a small build and was also the youngest in a class of forty
boisterous boys. How would he fend for himself during a fight, which obviously
is inevitable? But he did! After careful observation for years, I understood
his secret. His strategy was to forge friendship with all the bullies in the
class! I could not have taught him a better strategy that the one he had
discovered for himself.
As my son sailed through his
initial years, I learnt through experience that a parent’s role in a child’s
life should be somewhat akin to Lord Krishna’s role in Mahabharata. Be a
friend, philosopher and guide to your children – but do not try to shield them
from the harsh realities. Sooner or later, they will have to face life
themselves. However hard it might be as a parent to see your child suffering,
it has to be borne with fortitude. Once you accept that neither can you dream for
your child on his behalf, nor can you bear all his pains, you start parenting
in the truest sense. Otherwise you are treating your child only as an extension
of yourself and denying him or her, the status of an individual.
Of
the numerous adages I inherited from my friends, parents and relatives, the
only one I shall pass on to the next generation would be – “every stage of
parenting has its own unique set of challenges”. To add to it, I would say, “No
rules in this game. Rise to the challenge as per your instinct.” Working or
not, the key parameters to being a good parent include an understanding of the
child, ability to assess his or her needs and capabilities, and establish
mutual faith. The art of parenting is nothing but perfecting knowledge about
these parameters – a kind of self-learning system that will continuously evolve
and better with time and experience. It is like a journey through the
mountains. The drive itself is as exciting as the goal, with rewards waiting at
every bend – a warm hug or a smile or simply a few drops of tears to be wiped
off by a loving hand.
